Excerpt for Fracture by , available in its entirety at Smashwords


There is this place inside my mind where the rocks lay just below the water line reflecting a perfect mirror of the sky. I see her naked silhouette in the setting sun leaving ripples in the calm as she walks away looking back at me. I can hear her in the silence. I can smell her in the air. Her face hides in the rays as the sun fades into itself.

She dives into the sea.

Nine twenty six, twenty sixteen, it’s 4 a.m. and my thoughts are racing. Everything seems so far away. No reassurance, I’m completely on my own. Is it time? How long do I have? Is this how it’s going to be? I just hate the waiting.

I don’t have to imagine what happened to push you so far. I’ve been fucked with more than I’d like to remember. It took me so long to figure out that the strength I clung to was really just an excuse to never feel.

It wasn’t strength at all, just a projection in thin air.

Is there anyone you let close to you? Or does ‘it’ always remind you when you start to feel again? It’s better to keep it casual, more fun, less fuss. No need to put in work that one day will seem just like wasted time.

Never again, not going to let it happen.

I know what I want and I’m not settling.

What does that even mean?

Doesn’t matter. It’s the opposite of the shit already experienced. I’ve lived enough dreams to know that they’re anything but. I’ve seen enough things to say there is so much more.

I’ve wasted enough time.

I just want to hear you say my name with a smile on your face. Push my hair back. Fall asleep with your head in my lap. Saver every moment we share together with meaning.

A new beginning.

But no.

I’m standing in front of this smashed mirror holding out my blood filled palms.

Those few sharp words I spoke.

Just had to pick at your scars.

We could bathe in each other’s… pick a word that fits… won’t shed another.

No matter which way I turn I seem to lose.

“Keep going. You still have to breathe.”

You’ll never really know what you’ve done until you’re the only one. Everything else is just surface. The illusion. You can say all you want that it’s not. Can list all your little reminders, you’ll just do it again. One of those things you got to figure out for yourself.

I’m not the judge.

In hindsight, I had to show you what hides in those dark spaces. So you could feel it in your bones. Recognize it when the light’s too bright. I’m not what you think I am. I feel everything.

Remind myself it matters.

Not to give into the fear to cut the love out of my own heart, with my own knife.

©2018 Matthew Carroll

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